Disappointment.
Inconsolable amounts of disappointment. This is what I’m feeling after all of this.
Things haven’t been great for a while. I knew things were going downhill. From that moment in May - when I last made a post on this blog - when we “broke up”, to the other moment in October again when we tried to break up for the second time. Nothing has really been perfect since May. There have been moments which were perfect, but nothing between us was going to ever be perfect. But this is still a shock.
Am I surprised you’re gone? No. I knew when you’d start uni that eventually you’d find someone and then eventually leave me, being the sapiosexual you are. It was inevitable. But, the way THIS all unfolded; it has been such a shock.
It’s been a week since we last had a good conversation. I know lately we’ve been clutching at straws with not much material to talk about. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to talk to you. I told you from the very start you’d leave me. I fucking told you.
Our last proper conversation ended so unceremoniously when we had a fight and I said I wasn’t going to Megan’s. And then Saturday was when my whole world came crashing down and flipped inside down. Had to go and fuck it up. We couldn’t have left it in a civilised manner za you just went and did the unthinkable.
Never in a million years would I have thought you’d do something like that. I know things between us were never going to be forever. But you still don’t do that. You got so fucked up on drugs - which I was never a fan of - and went and did something unimaginable. It’s just… so so unlike you to have cheated on me.
Our entire relationship, you’d be worrying if I ever left you to cheat on you. Funny how the shoe goes onto the other foot.
Part of me wonders if you’re lying though. You seemed so unfazed and so dismissive of our relationship when you told me. Had you grown out of love and just wanted an excuse for me not to try and win you back? To be gone forever?
This Robin guy. I know somethings up. You kind every second post of his. It took him less than a minute to like your picture. You’re online a lot and I wonder who you talk to. Must be a Robin. Oh haven’t even liked my two last pictures. So I’m sorry, I’m not going to have your stuff clog up my feed anymore. Unfollowing you on Facebook.
I know people change, relationships change, dynamics change. But fuck, things took such a spiral. On Tuesday you asked me to come and pick you up because you weren’t feeling well. Did you take drugs? Who knows. But when I dropped you off you told me you loved me. I thought that was wh we we going to get our relationship back on track. Over the last month or so, we’d only spend one or two nights a week together. Definitely no sex. Rewind a year ago and we were inseparable. I was so happy then.
And I can’t believe we’d gone so long without having sex. I guess that should have been the red flag. Haven’t had sex since early December. And it had been a month prior to that when we last had sex. Once in three months.
I guess this is what happens when you think with your Pusey and not with you’re heart. I told you from the very start at I would get overly attached to you if we got together and you had a choice to make. Well, look where you’ve landed us. Or should I say me. Funny now that I think you’re chasing Robin. No one has ever said no to you. I bet you’ll get your claws out and be very keen to stick them into him.
But hey, by no means do I regret the last 18 months. For 18 months, every single day we had contact with each other. When you were overseas, when we had events on, during work; we always managed to come back to each other.
I remember the first time we broke up. We had a bit of a rough week, we were going to meet Saskia for dinner; but you had leaving drinks. You arrived, and I could tell you were uncomfortable. You couldn’t look me in the eyes, and then when I asked “is this us over?” It all seemed so dramatic. You left. And I remember you said JT never fought for you - or rather - I read that from your phone. He didn’t care about you; and when you told him you were leaving he said “should I tell Chris?” So I got up. And I chased after you. I wanted to win you back and show you I cared. It broke my great to know you would let me order you an Uber home, because I had no idea if you were safe or not.
And the second time; yeah. It was evident. But we were communicating. And it was clea we still loved each other and still cared! Were we in love? I was with you. Were you with me? Probably not.
But I saw something Laura posted the other day: “The signed you ignore in the beginning just end up being the reason you leave later. You know right away.l who’s good and fad for you. Don’t ignore that”. I knew from the time you told me you did drugs, that was going to be an issue. I knew the moment I met Nathan, he was no good. And look what’s happened. When two world meet, it fucks everything up.
Do I still care about you? Of course. Do I hate you? No. Am I disappointed? Beyond belief. Do I wish things had ended differently? Absolutely. Do I think differently if you? Of course. And you know well there’s no going back, and I don’t know if we can even be friends anymore.
I thought of all people, you would never hurt me. Our relationship was everything I ever wanted. We talked all day and night. We cuddled. We touched each other. We were just as needy as each other. I guess we just lacked that physical aspect in our lives for so long, we were smitten. But over time for it felt like you grew increasingly tiresome of me. And I became a burden and we would force conversations.
But. Don’t get me wrong. Very thankful for what’s happened over the course of our relationship. But I’m still reeling in the shock. It’ll only be a matter of time before I hear from you again. Today marks a week since you told me and a week since we last spoke. Yeah know you’ll want closure and you will want to resolve this. Time will heal these wounds. Will I still love you? Of course. I’ll always love you - I care about you. Will I be in love with you? I hope not. Will I forgive you? Never. Will we work things out? I hope one day we will.
But I guess from now til then. I wish you all the best in life. I wish you luck in your journey through uni, and later in life with your career you’re so passionate about. I wish you all the hestbforbthenbedt chapter. And I know you’ll smash it. I wish I was with you everybsteobitbthebesy. I wish we had a healthy, strong, long term relationship. I wish we were going to be happily ever after.
After a week of shock, numbness, shakes, disappointment, grief, anger, there still have been no tears. Everyone around me has been so supportive. And here come the tears. Well, at least I was welling up. I have a great network around me. And I look forward to starting MY next chapter.
J & J Bonaventure ❤️
July 6, 2018 - February 8, 2020
